Jumble vs. Flow

Today I realized that my mind, and thus my life, has become like the inner workings of a database.  

I work a lot in databases, at my various jobs. 

My mind now works that way (complex, convoluted, multiple ways to approach everything...), which is in direct opposition to the way my mind works organically (simple, one step leading to the next, direct cause and effect).  I can clearly see the negative impact this is having.  My world is cluttered, everywhere.  Purse, office, car, home.  This problem has many causal factors, mainly the fact that I work every minute of almost every day and have no time or energy to devote to cleaning up messes, but I can also see that it's all coming in the first place from the new way I'm thinking.  

I used to wander through the woods with nothing but my self and my thoughts.  No bottle of water, no benadryl for emergencies, no ID, no purse, no phone, no keys.....it was glorious!

Now I have literally everything I could ever need for any circumstance with me at all times.  Again, it's easy to see why...I rush from job to job - sometimes up to 4 in a day.  But having a good reason for it doesn't make up for the fact that I feel like it's killing me.
Not just my schedule, but the new way I've trained myself to think, and therefore, live.

I'm made to flow through the day, caring for each thing in turn as the needs arise.  

How the Dickens and I going to get back to that? 

                                             

                                             Yep, that's a Grantchester reference!

My last blog post was January 13.

Since then, my whole world has ended.  And begun again.  And faltered, then started over.
My mother died February 22.

It was fast, yet took forever.
It was a complete surprise, yet there was a long period of descent to the end.
It was life-shattering, even though I always thought it would be livable.

My grief has been all-encompassing.
And at the same time, the other aspects of my life have also been deeply traumatic.
There has been very little respite.

I do find moments of calm / beauty / love / happiness / peace,
but they are rare and always followed quickly by long periods of strife / ugliness / hatred / misery / deep unhappiness.  So many factors are at play, most of them not within my control.

I'm starting up a photo course that focuses (sorry for the bad pun - my mama would be proud LOL) on finding peace.  I'm hoping to truly be able to engage in this course and share my progress here.

Perhaps the painful tangle of emotions and looping thoughts can give way to some equanimity?
♥

January has certainly gone the way of most Januaries...all resolutions have fallen by they wayside as the new year tumbles along just like the last one, unencumbered by the concept of a full stop and new beginnings.  I suppose we make the mistake of thinking that just dreaming of such a re-boot will make it reality.  But there's drudgery to be done behind the dream!  I haven't done the physical work of stopping to re-start.  I just expected it to happen and experienced true surprise when it did not :/  

It's beginning to become apparent that it's incumbent upon me to actually stop the movement, set the intention and proceed in a new way.  I read something in my Global Tea Hut magazine that really struck a chord, about Korean monks growing and producing tea as "an important part of their self-cultivation", and I realized immediately that the whole huge missing link I feel is that I want to dive into self-cultivation.  I only practice other-cultivation, but I long for self-cultivation.  Looking at my lists of things I want & plan for, they all speak of self-cultivation.  They are the things that I don't manage to continue, or even begin.  But I've been given another day, in which to try again.  

I think I'll do just that.  

:)

 

2 days in...

Well, day 1 of 2017 was spent with a migraine, the third day of a 3-day migraine to be exact, so it wasn't quite what I had hoped.  I did manage some decluttering and a walk with my husband so not a total loss!  Today is my last day off and day 2 of the new year, but I wasted / spent half a day stuck in my car in a storm, with floodwaters too deep to drive through.  But now it's sunny, I'm home, and I am going to do some yoga and meditating to reclaim the day.  

I loved this post by Cait Flanders.
I too have been overwhelmed by social media lately.  I always feel like a failure when I see everyone's beautiful posts of their perfect lives; where is my perfect expensive home and beach vacation?!  Conversely some posts just depress me with the horrors of reality (animal abuse, Syria, politics...).  Cait reframes the new year possibilities into slower living, which suits me just fine.
😀

Setting an intention...over the holidays I will be preparing for what I think I'll be calling the Happy Year Project...which essentially will be me holding myself accountable for having the life I want. 
At its heart it will be me immersing in Yoga, Tai Chi, Photography, Tea & Plants. 
If you were to ask me what I want to be doing in my life I would easily tell you I want to live in a cottage in Carmel, CA with a little garden of herbs, veggies & flowers.  I want to do yoga and tai chi daily, take photographs, and rescue & care for animals.  I want the time and space in my days to do all of those things, and to drink tea of course!  I've had the same dream my entire life really and after the most horrendous year in 2016, I'm ready to stop wanting and start doing.  And in the doing, I believe the doors will open to make the whole dream my reality.  I'll be sharing my preparations and inspirations here over the next 2 weeks, as I get clear on how this project will come together for me. 
For now I will just say,

I believe...I believe....

It was a good morning. I went to Echo's Place and witnessed horses grooming each other, squirrels and birds and turtles and dragonflies eating, and a small white egret who appears to be friends with one of the horses. So many people look at the world and ask, can I own it? Can I eat it? Can I cage it, wear it, farm it, change it, make it do what I want it to instead of what it was created to do? I look at Life in all its wonderful forms and ask, may I sit here quietly with you and see your beauty?

butterflies - photography class may 2015