Monday, July 10, 2017

My last blog post was January 13.

Since then, my whole world has ended.  And begun again.  And faltered, then started over.
My mother died February 22.

It was fast, yet took forever.
It was a complete surprise, yet there was a long period of descent to the end.
It was life-shattering, even though I always thought it would be livable.

My grief has been all-encompassing.
And at the same time, the other aspects of my life have also been deeply traumatic.
There has been very little respite.

I do find moments of calm / beauty / love / happiness / peace,
but they are rare and always followed quickly by long periods of strife / ugliness / hatred / misery / deep unhappiness.  So many factors are at play, most of them not within my control.

I'm starting up a photo course that focuses (sorry for the bad pun - my mama would be proud LOL) on finding peace.  I'm hoping to truly be able to engage in this course and share my progress here.

Perhaps the painful tangle of emotions and looping thoughts can give way to some equanimity?




Friday, January 13, 2017

January has certainly gone the way of most Januaries...all resolutions have fallen by they wayside as the new year tumbles along just like the last one, unencumbered by the concept of a full stop and new beginnings.  I suppose we make the mistake of thinking that just dreaming of such a re-boot will make it reality.  But there's drudgery to be done behind the dream!  I haven't done the physical work of stopping to re-start.  I just expected it to happen and experienced true surprise when it did not :/  
It's beginning to become apparent that it's incumbent upon me to actually stop the movement, set the intention and proceed in a new way.  I read something in my Global Tea Hut magazine that really struck a chord, about Korean monks growing and producing tea as "an important part of their self-cultivation", and I realized immediately that the whole huge missing link I feel is that I want to dive into self-cultivation.  I only practice other-cultivation, but I long for self-cultivation.  Looking at my lists of things I want & plan for, they all speak of self-cultivation.  They are the things that I don't manage to continue, or even begin.  But I've been given another day, in which to try again.  
I think I'll do just that.  
:)
 

Monday, January 2, 2017

2 days in...

Well, day 1 of 2017 was spent with a migraine, the third day of a 3-day migraine to be exact, so it wasn't quite what I had hoped.  I did manage some decluttering and a walk with my husband so not a total loss!  Today is my last day off and day 2 of the new year, but I wasted / spent half a day stuck in my car in a storm, with floodwaters too deep to drive through.  But now it's sunny, I'm home, and I am going to do some yoga and meditating to reclaim the day.  

I loved this post by Cait Flanders.
I too have been overwhelmed by social media lately.  I always feel like a failure when I see everyone's beautiful posts of their perfect lives; where is my perfect expensive home and beach vacation?!  Conversely some posts just depress me with the horrors of reality (animal abuse, Syria, politics...).  Cait reframes the new year possibilities into slower living, which suits me just fine.
😀